Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
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I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.