Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
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Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
They grow up so quick
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’