Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
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HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
termite twitter scares me
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters