“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
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One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”