Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
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My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
The game has officially changed 😎
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?