Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
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My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
✌🏽
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man