[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
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Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this