GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
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did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Every time.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
be careful
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*