*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
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I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.