(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
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I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.