*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
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I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Love this guy
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size