Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
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An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”