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the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
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I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.