What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
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Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this