SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
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I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
what day is it?
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Ugh
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”