If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
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Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
In Canada they just call them geese
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet