Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
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[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S