You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
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ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.