Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
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At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”