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[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Kidney stones? Hard pass
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!