Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
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Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
oppen heimer style lol
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years