I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
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She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf