What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
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Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Still a very good boi….
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me