Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
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Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Why I divorced her.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.