Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
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What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
live, laugh, laundry.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Worth a try
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
my name if I was in the mob
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee