Harsh but fair
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its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games