Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
my fav colour is also hitler
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!