I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
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Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Breaking news:
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.