Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
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calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.