Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
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If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
This makes total sense…
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
❤️🦆
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*