Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
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I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.