I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
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Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
This is my bus stop.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
*launders Kohls cash*
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson