There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
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[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed