Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
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You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’