Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
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Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions