[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
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Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
so weird how every mom was born today
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies