[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
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Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
welp
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Kids: Stay in school.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.