On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
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Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.