Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
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Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT