My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
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She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God