Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
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“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.