my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
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The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.