You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
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(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.