Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
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Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.