Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
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I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.