Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
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her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.