you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
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[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.