(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
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Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
what it’s like dating me:
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*