Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
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I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face