“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
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The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night